Police in Midsomer Norton have warned residents about a sudden surge in the sales of illicit substances including The Inbetweeners and the particularly dangerous Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special. The warnings come amid increased reports of suspicious amounts of people visiting the Norton Skate Park for short periods of time before leaving with unmarked packages…
A grown man from Midsomer Norton still thinks it’s funny to tag his friends in Facebook posts that claim they must reply within five minutes or they owe him a Nando’s, reports have emerged. 28 year old Jerome Bustyfield from Welton still giggles to himself as he stares at his Facebook timeline while counting down…
Worried you’re being too sensible and not panicking enough? Concerned your next trip to the supermarket will be too responsible and level headed? Worry not readers, here’s your guide on instilling an inappropriate amount of anxiety and horror into your next trip to the shops. Buy ALL the toilet paper If you’ve ever wiped your…
A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace has confirmed Prince Harry’s official leaving drinks doo will be the usual Norton high street pub crawl, scheduled for next week, with a “higher than usual” chance of winding up in Fat Sams. A spokesperson for the prince has advised attendees to be at Wetherspoons at 7pm sharp for some…
A 32 year old woman from Midsomer Norton has posted “New Year, New Me” on Facebook, despite the fact that she’ll spend all of next year as the same classless tosspot she has been for most of her life. Chantelle DiCampo, a social media addict from Westfield whose 17 year old son is currently robbing…
The candidates for the North-East Somerset parliamentary seat have decided to scrap the traditional ballot election and will instead determine a winner by seeing who can down ten jagerbombs in a row. “Honestly, counting all those ballot papers is going to be such a complete ball ache” claims local election official Jerome Bustyfield. “And have…
Pubs in Midsomer Norton have set up “piss head only” segments of bar, exclusively for regulars wishing to avoid tedious queues of festive pub-goers who haven’t got a fucking clue how to order alcohol. While putting up the Christmas tree and festive decorations, pubs are also setting up “express lane” schemes that will separate drunken…
Norton was in chaos Thursday after snow fell for a staggering 20 minutes. Reports have claimed that an overwhelming 0.2cm of snow fell from the sky, covering almost every surface. Except concrete, asphalt, roofing and most grass. “We knew it was going to get rough” said local resident Iain Peacock, “…but you never expect anything…
A Midsomer Norton man who has no interest in rugby until England get into a semi-final is now trying to look like an expert despite referring to tries as “five pointers”, news has emerged. Jerome Bustyfield has spent the whole week posting on Facebook about how proud he is of “the lily whites” despite not…
Midsomer Norton is taking a break from all that Brexit bollocks to explore yet another bitter and divisive argument; can we put the fucking heating on yet? Passive aggressive social media posts and angry, barely legible arguments in Wetherspoons have moved away from Britain’s imminent departure of the EU and are now centered around the…
