The recent flurry of terrible software upgrades such as Apple’s iOS7 and the Start Menuless Windows 8 has triggered council plans to “update” the High Street in order to make it utterly pathetic, it has been announced.
“We like trends.” a council spokesperson stated. “And the trend at the moment is to take something relatively okay, and make it really, really shit.”
Dan Dante is the town planner in charge of the overhaul.
“We’ve already completed extensive surveys. Basically we want to know what things people like about our beloved High Street. So we can get rid of them.”
“Everything else will be indiscriminately moved around and hidden to make the whole High Street experience as unintuitive as possible.”
“Firstly, we’re going to swap the pubs and the banks around, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Also you should soon expect to find that edgy BA3 shop in the toilets at The Greyhound, wherever that will be.”
“We will also try to replace all building entrances with odd horizontal elevators that are much slower and inefficient than actual doors.
It’s going to be like shopping in a futuristic Shangri-La, only much, much less fun than that sounds.”
“We really hope to see plenty of lost, confused and angry people on the Norton High Street sometime soon.”
“We call it Norton 2.0”