Don’t be these people… 1. Bang on about the vastness of space and futility of life Listen, it’s a partial solar eclipse. Yes, pretty cool, but you’re not high on mushrooms. No one wants to listen to your amateur take on the cosmos and how we’re all mere specks of dust clinging desperately to a…
BREAKING: A man has been spotted between Paulton and Norton performing the antiquated “dickhead” vibrating hand motion to another motorist, in what has been described as an incredibly rare sighting. Jerome Bustyfield, a 55-year-old office worker and dad-of-three from Midsomer Norton who still thinks broadband Internet is a fad and we’re all going to end…
A man from Midsomer Norton can’t stop telling people about how much he doesn’t care about the FIFA World Cup, reports have emerged. During the tournament’s group stages, rugby fan Jerome Bustyfield from Midsomer Norton started by posting images of empty cardboard boxes on his Instagram page alongside the caption “this is how many fucks…
The Instagrammer The sun has barely risen over the horizon before they’re pointing their phones towards their smug faces and typing out banal drivel like #PrettyInPolka and #SummerVibes, before frantically swiping through filters to see which one makes the River Somer glitter the most. Because for the next 2 days at least, they won’t have…
Police in Midsomer Norton have warned residents about a sudden surge in the sales of illicit substances including The Inbetweeners and the particularly dangerous Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special. The warnings come amid increased reports of suspicious amounts of people visiting the Norton Skate Park for short periods of time before leaving with unmarked packages…
A grown man from Midsomer Norton still thinks it’s funny to tag his friends in Facebook posts that claim they must reply within five minutes or they owe him a Nando’s, reports have emerged. 28 year old Jerome Bustyfield from Welton still giggles to himself as he stares at his Facebook timeline while counting down…
Worried you’re being too sensible and not panicking enough? Concerned your next trip to the supermarket will be too responsible and level headed? Worry not readers, here’s your guide on instilling an inappropriate amount of anxiety and horror into your next trip to the shops. Buy ALL the toilet paper If you’ve ever wiped your…
A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace has confirmed Prince Harry’s official leaving drinks doo will be the usual Norton high street pub crawl, scheduled for next week, with a “higher than usual” chance of winding up in Fat Sams. A spokesperson for the prince has advised attendees to be at Wetherspoons at 7pm sharp for some…
A 32 year old woman from Midsomer Norton has posted “New Year, New Me” on Facebook, despite the fact that she’ll spend all of next year as the same classless tosspot she has been for most of her life. Chantelle DiCampo, a social media addict from Westfield whose 17 year old son is currently robbing…
The candidates for the North-East Somerset parliamentary seat have decided to scrap the traditional ballot election and will instead determine a winner by seeing who can down ten jagerbombs in a row. “Honestly, counting all those ballot papers is going to be such a complete ball ache” claims local election official Jerome Bustyfield. “And have…
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