When the white stuff begins to fall, you know who you’re friends truly are. And they’re probably one of these 8.
1. The Child
As soon as the first snowflake settles on the ground, the child instantly regresses to an infant-like state, full of wonder and unadulterated excitement. Despite being a 28-year old financial ledger assistant, they scream “It’s settling. It’s fucking settling” at the top of their lungs to anyone unfortunate to be in earshot. “Let’s build a snowman. Hot chocolate! Let’s go sledging. Do we have a sledge?” they shout uncontrollably, as if this is the first time they’ve ever seen fecking snow. At least one other friend will have to take “the child” out for a walk in the white stuff, like the excitable puppy that they are. In 48 hours they’ll be processing financial insurance claims, but today, dammit, they’re going to make a fucking snow angel in the Midsomer Norton sports centre car park. And they’ll never be happier.
2. The Moaner
The moaner is the polar opposite of the child. Any child-like wonder inside the moaner left a long, long time ago, due to years working as a coal miner… well, an electrician. All that is left inside the moaner on snow day is apathy and weariness. “Fuck sake” they mutter as the peel back the curtains. The moaner has things to be getting on with. The dog needs walking, they have to pop to the post office on the High Street and that old washing machine isn’t going to take itself to the dump. And why is everyone driving like a fanny? The snow is just an unwanted obstacle, making things harder than they should be. Things shouldn’t be harder than they should be. Isn’t it time this pissing snow just fuckety fucked off?
3. The Moaner who is secretly The Child
We all know a moaner that is secretly a child. They mutter obscenities when their friends drag them outside, feigning indifference and reluctance. They can’t be the first to build a snowman or throw a snowball – they’re an adult with a reputation to uphold, after all. But they’re burning inside with an insatiable urge to regress. They’re waiting… waiting for the fun to start, and by the time it does, they’ll have the time of their bloody lives, running down Norton High Street like a demented puppy on drugs.
4. The Worrier
“How long should I put the heating on for?” “Is outside open?” “Is 16 loaves of bread enough?” “Does snow carry the Ebola virus?” The worrier has probably already emptied the shelves at Tesco’s of Heinz Tomato Soup as soon as the words “possibility of snow” passed through the weatherman’s mouth last week. Going outside is a definite no-no. What if their coat isn’t sufficiently insulated? What if a gang of feral children start throwing snowballs? No, it’s just not worth the risk. Jeremy Kyle is on the TV, and that’s a safe space. Just as long as the electricity hangs on in there.
5. The Trooper
“What’s the fuss about, it’s just a bit of bloody snow” the trooper asks. The Boy Scouts have taught the trooper well. Be prepared. And prepared they certainly are. The trooper has water bottles in the attic and canned goods in the boot of the car. They are prepared for the fucking apocalypse, but by George this isn’t it. The trooper’s already half way through their morning jog wearing nothing but shorts, t-shirt and look of defiance upon their face. This is just a sprinkling of shitting snow. Where’s that Blitz spirit? Everyone just needs to get a bloody grip.
6. The Photographer
The snow has been on the ground less than 30 minutes and the photographer has already posted 63 photos on Facebook and Instagram. “This is the view from the kitchen windows” “This is the view from the bedroom window”. “Just look at the snow” the photographer awes in self-delight, sharing their under-exposed snaps with friends as if no one understands how snow works or what it looks like. Soon they’ll venture outside, and Mark Zuckerberg’s servers are preparing for the onslaught of selfies. “Look at me with this post box with snow on it”. “This road has snow on it too.”
7. Captain fucking Obvious
“Cold out” Captain fucking Obvious has been posting on social media all week, because apparently being outside wasn’t enough for anyone else to come to the same conclusion. Now the snow has been hammering it down for the best part of the morning, meaning Captain fucking Obvious is going to post the only thing they know what to post in this situation; “Snowing out”. Thank god we all have Captain fucking Obvious to keep us fully informed as to what is happened right outside our front door.
8. The absentee worker
The absentee worker only lives 5 minutes from work in the high street or Westfield trading estate. But they’ve seen flakes hit the ground, and now the prospect of going to work is completely out of the question. “My job isn’t worth risking my life for” they exclaim. They after all, could slip on a slippery surface. It’s death out there. And the car excess is £400. Nope, not worth it. Nope nope. Instead, it’s time to slide down a steep hill on a £5 plastic sledge they got at Norton Discount shop.