Weather

The Instagrammer The sun has barely risen over the horizon before they’re pointing their phones towards their smug faces and typing out banal drivel like #PrettyInPolka and #SummerVibes, before frantically swiping through filters to see which one makes the River Somer glitter the most. Because for the next 2 days at least, they won’t have…

Norton was in chaos Thursday after snow fell for a staggering 20 minutes. Reports have claimed that an overwhelming 0.2cm of snow fell from the sky, covering almost every surface. Except concrete, asphalt, roofing and most grass. “We knew it was going to get rough” said local resident Iain Peacock, “…but you never expect anything…

Midsomer Norton is taking a break from all that Brexit bollocks to explore yet another bitter and divisive argument; can we put the fucking heating on yet? Passive aggressive social media posts and angry, barely legible arguments in Wetherspoons have moved away from Britain’s imminent departure of the EU and are now centered around the…

Midsomer Norton residents have told the sun it needs to calm the fuck down as they need to work. As most of the UK basks in oven-like heat, local Midsomer Norton resident Gina DeCampo told us… “In Majorca where I have nothing to do other than lie next to the pool, bereft of responsibility, occasionally…

The Easter Bunny has announced Easter has been cancelled in Midsomer Norton and across the South West, citing “logistical difficulties due to extreme weather conditions”. The announcement comes amidst yet another snow flurry to hit Midsomer Norton within two weeks. “Honestly, it’s been a fucking nightmare.” said the Easter Bunny. “Key suppliers have been delayed….

When the white stuff begins to fall, you know who you’re friends truly are. And they’re probably one of these 8. 1. The Child As soon as the first snowflake settles on the ground, the child instantly regresses to an infant-like state, full of wonder and unadulterated excitement. Despite being a 28-year old financial ledger…

Summer 2016 has been laid to rest at Midsomer Norton cemetery in a private yet “intimate” funeral ceremony, sources have revealed. The season tragically passed away on May 8th 2016 at the tender age of five days, following a short yet courageous battle with a transatlantic jet stream. Amongst those attending were seasons Autumn and…

Summer has confirmed it’s just fucking with our emotions by tricking us into believing we may see something other than overwhelming bleakness over the next 3 or 4 months. “I try to do it every year” explained the season, “A week or two of sunshine in early May, just to give you all a taste…

12 people have died and 34 are still missing after Midsomer Norton was devastated by an overwhelming two centimetres of snow that fell over a single five hour period earlier. Alarms were raised early yesterday after local dog walker Jerome Bustyfield saw a single snowflake float to the ground at some time after 8am. “I…

Midsomer Norton residents have been warned that cold days like today will become more frequent, because winter is approaching and that is what normally happens. The warnings come amidst complaints and shocked comments from people apparently unaware that as the year draws to a close, the average temperature generally drops and the amount of daylight…