After police close Stones Cross pub for drug offences, authorities have warned local residents of an expected increase of thirsty vampires who will have nowhere to go now.
For centuries the Stones Cross Pub has acted as a supernatural drinking portal between the fiery realms of demonic night-creatures and planet Earth.
But now residents are worried that increased numbers of bloodsucking vampires who would usually frequent the pub will be forced out onto the High Street.
Iain Peacock is an ex-Stones Cross regular,
“It is important to realise that these are proper vampires. Not those fecking Twilight ponces. We’re talking proper Blade shit.”
PC Dan Dante from Midsomer Norton Police was quick to justify the decision to close the pub…
“The occasional human sacrifice and habitual goat killing is one thing, but when there’s crack cocaine involved then frankly it becomes a different matter altogether.”
“Feast on human blood as much as you like. But as soon as the crackpipe comes out, then we have a problem. That’s what we say.”
Jerome Bustyfield, a council spokesperson has advised residents not to panic…
“Residents should just follow the usual common-sense safety precautions, such as not walking home alone at night, keeping your valuables secure, not inviting exotic undead night dwellers across your threshold and keeping onions around your neck at all times.
And if you do see a vampire, remember to shoot it in the head.
…oh no wait, that might be zombies.”