Shopping centres in the local area are flooded with panicked men pointing at stationary pads and file dividers exclaiming “that’ll do”.
Men have taken to social media to wish each other good luck as they fearlessly charge onto the battlefield with only hours to go before the shops finally tell people to fuck off as they’re closing for Christmas
“This morning I hit a teenage boy in the face with a set of ABC bookends that we were competing for and pried a crystal glass picture frame from the lifeless hands of my neighbour” shopper Jerome Bustyfield said,
“All to the war cry of ‘Do They Know its Christmas’ by Band Aid which was playing on the shop’s stereo. Well, the guy I smashed in the face with a slow cooker now knows it’s Christmas all right.”
“Today, only the strongest and most desperate survive.”
Reflections gift shop on Midsomer Norton High Street have reported that they’ve been inundated with flustered men with tears in their eyes asking frantic questions about feminine hygiene products and boutique gift sets.
“Frankly, it’s all been a little bizarre.” said store manager Gina.
“Especially since we don’t sell any of that.”
Fellow shopper Iain Peacock was also out on the front line this morning…
“My girlfriend asked me last month for some GH ..something.. hair straighteners. Sadly they sold out last week, but I have a sneaky suspicion she’s going to love this bumper pack of 80g A4 printer paper.”
“And if she doesn’t, I’m going to do what every other man in the country is going to do…
Blame Amazon.”