A festival goer has confirmed that attending a festival in your thirties means that you now celebrate things like having a relatively normal stool movement and remembering to bring heartburn medication.
Jerome Bustyfield, an electrician from Midsomer Norton, emerged from the toilets this weekend fist pumping the air in pure, unadulterated exhilaration and high-fiving strangers, before confirming to friends that his poo was neither too hard nor too soft.
“There are some moments you will remember for the rest of your life.” Bustyfield said,
“And that feeling of being near the Pyramid stage while a moderately healthy stool passes beyond your ass cheeks on the third day of a festival is one such moment.”
“And if that wasn’t enough, I remembered to bring Rennie as well.”
“Best. Glastonbury. Ever.”
Bustyfield’s friends confirmed that while he used to celebrate staying out until sunrise and shagging girls at the Healing Fields, Bustyfield’s attitude to festivals has changed with age.
“In his twenties he’d be getting off his tits on a cocktail of drugs by 5pm. Now he has a special airbed for his back, and he scowls at people for walking too close to his blanket that he sprawls out at the back of the Pyramid field.”
“Still though, he looks like he’s having fun. Even if he did spend most of this weekend complaining that he could no longer find ‘the vibe’.”
“Whatever that is.”