Worried you’re being too sensible and not panicking enough? Concerned your next trip to the supermarket will be too responsible and level headed? Worry not readers, here’s your guide on instilling an inappropriate amount of anxiety and horror into your next trip to the shops.
Buy ALL the toilet paper
If you’ve ever wiped your own arse with your hand or child’s soft toy, you’ll understand that it’s fucking ghastly. Of course, if you buy all of the toilet paper from the local Tesco AND Sainsburys, then not only will you never have to endure such an event, but you can then sell any remaining toilet roll to your friends, neighbours and family for ten times the price.
Yes, you’re a self-serving sack of turd, but that’s capitalism baby.
Always buy stuff that Facebook memes and daytime TV tell you to
It is a scientific fact that you should absolutely buy everything that the experts who create Facebook memes tell you to, as well as that guest speaker on Loose Women. They are, after all, the most trustworthy of people who would never think of talking utter shite just for the attention.
Always assume old people are trying to shaft you
Old people are wily and coy. It was probably the war. You could assume they’d be used to sensible rationing, but that’s what they want you to think. If an old person approaches you, assume they’re about to lift the 60 cans of chopped Italian tomatoes straight from your trolley. If they approach, panic, point and shout “thief”. If they don’t leave your vicinity immediately, throw a tin of corned beef at them and tell them you’re an immigrant.
Don’t waste precious trolley space with rice. Midsomer Norton has like 40 Chinese takeaways in the immediate vicinity, each with a limitless supply of rice. All freshly imported from China. Yum.
Buy the entire stock of an entirely random product
If there is one thing you need to know about mass panic buying, it’s that both logic and common sense have been kicked out of the door faster than your co-worker with a dry cough. Take advantage of this by panic buying some completely random product that could never possibly help you during a pandemic to see if you can start a trend.
For example, go to Tesco and grab 25 nylon cooking spatulas and run out the door excitedly shouting “I can’t believe these are still in stock!” and watch in delight as other bewildered souls run to grab their own entirely pointless supply.
Buy Supermarket Value Lager
Because at the end of the day, you’re going to need a pint while you wait for all of this to blow over. Even if it does taste of camel piss, it was still only 28p a can. Nice.