Six Midsomer Norton friends you have during a heatwave.
The Instagrammer
The sun has barely risen over the horizon before they’re pointing their phones towards their smug faces and typing out banal drivel like #PrettyInPolka and #SummerVibes, before frantically swiping through filters to see which one makes the River Somer glitter the most. Because for the next 2 days at least, they won’t have to fly on some fart-laden metal tube to get that perfect summer snap to put on the ‘Gram.
The Beer Gardener
Wakes up, looks out the window, texts the beer emoji to their friends followed by a question mark. Five hours later they’re redder than a stop sign, huddled over a beer garden table in Crossways mumbling incoherently about how Sam Allardyce deserved a longer stint with England or something.
The Let’s Do Something Stupid-er
Because 30+C heat with excess humidity is exactly when you should be climbing the Paulton Batch. Dick.
The Complainer
Cowering in the shade with three fans pointing at them and still sweating like Donald Trump at an Epstein hearing, they spent the last 4 months moaning about the rain.
The Italian
Born to the sun, when the mercury rises, they’re sipping red wine and smoking cigarettes on a tiny table outside Jacarandas, before cycling out to a field somewhere with a wicker basket full of artisan prosciutto and olives. In the winter months they’re a checkout worker in Lidl.
The Ginger
They’ve either been reduced to a pile of grey ash slowly wafting in the breeze down the Midsomer Norton High Street, or no one will see them until this all blows over. Check in on them if this goes past the weekend.
Remember people, until Midsomer Norton successfully gains its independence, we’re still in the UK. So whatever you do, get sunburnt doing it*. It is, after all, the British way.
*Not serious advice
