As carnival season gets under way, health officials have reminded local residents that getting run over by carnival floats could be bad for your health. Just like every year, officials have reiterated advice that carnival goers should avoid walking or standing right in front of extremely large carnival floats, as well as the large tractors…
This morning’s power cut that affected both Midsomer Norton and Radstock was caused by immigrants from Syria “flooding the UK”, according to local far right group ‘Norton First’. “Before them Syrians starting coming to Europe, we had electricity every Monday morning, and now we don’t.” claimed ‘Norton First’ leader Jerome Bustyfield. “It’s simple cause and…
After news of Costa Coffee’s likely arrival to Midsomer Norton, everyone has agreed that a coffee place is just what Midsomer Norton needs. “If there is one thing I though Norton was lacking, it’s a place to get a cup of coffee.” says local resident Jerome Bustyfield, “In fact I literally cannot think of a…
The last time a group of friends have all met each other at the time and place originally suggested was in May 2004, a study has revealed. Jerome Bustyfield from the Foundation of Research has claimed no group of friends have kept to their original plans to meet up for over a decade, thanks largely…
People who own selfie sticks – a.k.a. narcissism wands – are all self-loving, egotistical cunts, studies have revealed. “Our research has shown a selfie stick is three times more likely to make you a pathologically self-absorbed shit” said Jerome Bustyfield from the Foundation of Research, “Even if you own one ‘ironically’ “. Taking photos of…
Husbands and boyfriends of Midsomer Norton are praying that the new Wetherspoons will be open in time for Valentine’s Day. Husband of 5 years Jerome Bustyfield said “Nothing sums up the love and respect I have for my wife quite like a BBQ burger and chips for under £5. Washed down with a quality sauvignon…
Midsomer Norton has once again successfully celebrated the annual rioting festival known as “Black Friday” yesterday. Often dubbed ‘The Purge Friday’, shoppers from all over the Norton-Radstock area emerged from their houses to pummel each other with heavily discounted kettles and iPod docking stations. “We usually go away for Black Friday, but this year we…
Avid light bulb spotters braved the rain last night for the annual lighting solutions fiesta. Dozens of mobile carts on wheels paraded down the High Street last night, showcasing some of the world’s rarest and most renowned light bulbs, in what many are dubbing the planet’s most impressive and diverse array of lighting solutions ever…
Midsomer Norton’s collective of taxi companies have announced a permanent ban on taxi rides that both begin and end in Midsomer Norton. Local cabbie Iain Peacock said “Walk, you lazy cunt.”
Midsomer Norton and Radstock town councils have confirmed that roadworks occur just to annoy you. A council spokesperson confirmed the news after Norton and Radstock strategically places roadworks and temporary traffic lights on nearly every busy road in the area. “Seriously, what do you actually think we’re doing down there?” asked council road worker Jerome…
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