Worried you’re being too sensible and not panicking enough? Concerned your next trip to the supermarket will be too responsible and level headed? Worry not readers, here’s your guide on instilling an inappropriate amount of anxiety and horror into your next trip to the shops. Buy ALL the toilet paper If you’ve ever wiped your…
This morning’s power cut that affected both Midsomer Norton and Radstock was caused by immigrants from Syria “flooding the UK”, according to local far right group ‘Norton First’. “Before them Syrians starting coming to Europe, we had electricity every Monday morning, and now we don’t.” claimed ‘Norton First’ leader Jerome Bustyfield. “It’s simple cause and…
After news of Costa Coffee’s likely arrival to Midsomer Norton, everyone has agreed that a coffee place is just what Midsomer Norton needs. “If there is one thing I though Norton was lacking, it’s a place to get a cup of coffee.” says local resident Jerome Bustyfield, “In fact I literally cannot think of a…
Midsomer Norton has once again successfully celebrated the annual rioting festival known as “Black Friday” yesterday. Often dubbed ‘The Purge Friday’, shoppers from all over the Norton-Radstock area emerged from their houses to pummel each other with heavily discounted kettles and iPod docking stations. “We usually go away for Black Friday, but this year we…
Experts have warned that the imminent arrival of Mother’s Day will soon trigger the start of the annual plague of lost, confused and panicked males who will soon descend towards the Norton High Street. Experts have claimed that from Friday the town centre is going to be full of disillusioned and flummoxed males who thought…
Midsomer Norton council have announced that they will begin charging punters to watch brawling outside Fat Sams nightclub in the early hours of the morning. After learning just how much pubs get charged to obtain a pub licence for boxing matches like the upcoming Groves/Froch rematch, a council spokesperson has announced they are keen to…
73% of people who live in or around Midsomer Norton have at one point managed the Greyhound Pub, a survey has revealed. The survey results come at a time when the Greyhound is once again within the throes of another “change of hands”. Dan Dante, a supermarket checkout clerk, managed the pub several years back,…
Recent studies have suggested that the flailing economy on the Midsomer Norton highstreet is because of Candy Crush Saga, experts have warned. The warnings come in lieu of an increasing amount of people now sending completely useless “virtual gifts” via Facebook games instead of tangible presents that have real world value. The economic downturn is…
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