Now the summer holidays have begun, Midsomer Norton police have warned residents to be on the watch out for gangs of antisocial school teachers hanging around street corners. “Sadly, at around this time every year we have to deal with hordes of disorderly school teachers from Norton Hill and Somervale celebrating the end of term.”…
The local undead community has claimed the Midsomer Norton Fayre Fun Day, held in the town centre, to be the most successful yet. Record breaking crowds of ghosts and a plethora of their fun fayre rides all turned up to the annual event, albeit most human attendees were unable to see any of it. “The…
The weekend forecast of rain has been blamed on the collective wishes of bitter people who couldn’t get tickets for Glastonbury, it has emerged. After 3 weeks of glorious heat and sunshine, the first day of Glastonbury is expected to see torrential rainfall, much to the utter, hysterical delight of everyone not going. “We all…
Midsomer Norton has been labelled dull and tedious now all the exciting drug-fuelled antics have stopped. Raids last month have dried up the area’s drug supply, giving many residents no other choice than to face the dreary monotony of real life. “It used to be such a magical place where you felt like anything could…
Despite the enticing nature of something called a Fun Fair, it is ultimately just a field full of people shouting over loud noises, residents have warned. “For some reason people always think that Fun Fairs are going to be exciting, almost magical places” said sociologist Iain Peacock, “Up until the point when they get there…
An abstract painting, above, by famed graffiti artist Banksy has been found this morning on the walls of one of the Welton Bibby & Baron buildings. The painting, dubbed THE CUNX, has art critics worldwide pondering what profound meaning it is attempting to convey. Jerome Bustyfield, the curator for the Radstock Museum of Urban Art,…
Everyone in Midsomer Norton will try and outsmart each other by going to the pub earlier than usual this Easter Sunday to try and avoid the Bank Holiday rush. Thousands of drinkers will think they’re being clever by frequenting their preferred drinking spots about “half an hour earlier”. “It’s a sound tactic on paper” claimed…
Men everywhere are calling women out on how long it took them to really take their “impromptu” no make-up selfie. “Me missus posted her makeup-less face on Facebook yesterday with the description that she quickly snapped it after getting out of the shower.” said Iain Peacock, from Radstock. “She conveniently didn’t mention that I had…
People will no longer give a flying fuck about anything other than watching On-Demand TV or getting completely shitfaced for the next few days, scientists have predicted. Professor Dan Dante – from the Research Institute of Weekend Studies – claims that this sort of behaviour occurs about once every week, typically on or around Friday…
Midsomer Norton town council has announced plans to rename Valentine’s Day to “Loneliness Awareness Day” because that is essentially what it is. A spokesperson for the town council announced the plans today. “Perhaps people have made past mistakes, perhaps they’re just really ugly. Whatever the reason, it is important to make people aware that they…
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