The candidates for the North-East Somerset parliamentary seat have decided to scrap the traditional ballot election and will instead determine a winner by seeing who can down ten jagerbombs in a row. “Honestly, counting all those ballot papers is going to be such a complete ball ache” claims local election official Jerome Bustyfield. “And have…
Facebook pages ‘MadeInNorton’ and ‘TodayIsAllAboutBath’ are heading for all-out bloody war with each other, of which the likes the world have never seen, experts have today warned. The bitter rivalry between the two divisive Facebook pages has spanned across many decades, resulting in numerous skirmishes, airstrikes and even trade sanctions. But experts are now warning…
The black and white footage purporting to depict Norton Radstock in the 1960s has been faked, say local conspiracy theorists. Published by the Somerset Guardian last week, the footage has undergone intense scrutiny by basement dwelling, tinfoil apparel enthusiasts. “Look at the shadows of the cars in frame 1043 at 3 seconds past the 3…
People who either read the Game of Thrones novels or watch episodes when they air in the US can now be legally put to death for giving away plotlines, Midsomer Norton Councillors have confirmed. Councillors have agreed that anyone who knows about future plotlines or twists will be strictly forbidden from taking to Facebook or…
Local conservative MP Jacob-Rees-Mogg is actually a delinquent chav masquerading in an expensive yet ill-fitting suit, insiders close to the politician have revealed. “Don’t let his upper class, flimsy appearance deceive you.” an insider has warned “If you tell him you vote Labour he may very well flip out and stab you in the face”…
The recent unexpected roadworks that closed roads in Radstock occurred because the council “haven’t really pissed anyone off in a while”, sources have revealed. The news comes after Radstock council announced that the number of complaints from local residents had become “unacceptably low”. “As a local council, it is important for us to ensure that…
Midsomer Norton has announced that it is to relocate from the UK in search of better weather and slightly less pathetic politicians. “People assume we’re leaving just because the weather is shit.” “Well, to be fair, that is pretty much it.” “But we’re also going to indiscriminately moan about British politics and the amount of…
US President Barack Obama has today continued efforts to forge a UN coalition in support of military intervention against Midsomer Norton during Friday and Saturday nights, it has emerged. Speaking in a press conference today, Obama was confident plans would progress. “It is clear that the UK government isn’t adequately dealing with the increasingly worrying…
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