Despite the clocks changing twice a year for several decades, everyone is still in a state of inexplicable confusion and shock over the arrival of darkness, it has emerged. When the clocks went back, or possibly forward, on Saturday, or maybe Sunday, everything has just gone really fucking weird, say residents. “When I finished work…
Residents of Midsomer Norton are on alert after being told to brace themselves to expect the most completely typical winter since records began. Local basement-dwelling meteorologist Jerome Bustyfield has warned that the weather will slowly become a little less like summer, because winter is approaching, and that’s what usually happens. “Midsomer Norton will soon be…
No resolution has been reached by Midsomer Norton town council officials as to whether thunderstorms are cool or scary, insiders have revealed. Council officials have met for another heated debate today following last night’s dramatic storm, which has reignited the controversial and highly divisive dispute that has shrouded thunderstorms for several decades. An insider claimed…
The weekend forecast of rain has been blamed on the collective wishes of bitter people who couldn’t get tickets for Glastonbury, it has emerged. After 3 weeks of glorious heat and sunshine, the first day of Glastonbury is expected to see torrential rainfall, much to the utter, hysterical delight of everyone not going. “We all…
Midsomer Norton has announced that it is to relocate from the UK in search of better weather and slightly less pathetic politicians. “People assume we’re leaving just because the weather is shit.” “Well, to be fair, that is pretty much it.” “But we’re also going to indiscriminately moan about British politics and the amount of…
Last night’s thunder and lightning storm over Midsomer Norton has led to a dramatic increase of Internet ads requesting “thunder buddies”, it has emerged. Iain Peacock, a pathetic wimp from Westfield, used CraigsList to search for potential matches. “Match.com was only interested in whether I was looking for a serious relationship or a ‘bit of…
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