“Sun needs to calm the fuck down” say local residents

Midsomer Norton residents have told the sun it needs to calm the fuck down as they need to work.

As most of the UK basks in oven-like heat, local Midsomer Norton resident Gina DeCampo told us…

“In Majorca where I have nothing to do other than lie next to the pool, bereft of responsibility, occasionally only shuffling to scratch my arse, 30 degrees is perfectly fine.”

“However I am now in the UK. I had to get up at 7am to let the builders in. I had to rush my kid to his friend’s party which took twice as long because fucking Phillis Hill is shut and now I’ve got 4 piles of laundry that needs cleaning.

I’m sweating so much I’ve spent most of the afternoon stuffing toilet roll down by underwear. I’m at the point where I’ve essentially just created a papier mache of my vagina.”

Officer worker Jerome Bustyfield from Westfield agreed.

“This afternoon I thought I sharted in my pants until I realised my arsehole was just blowing the sweat back out that has spent most the day dripping down my back.”

“I look like a mirror.”

As the sun continues to shine down for the rest of the week, The Met Office has urged ginger people to find solace in darker, shadier locations, such as in deep underground caves or abandoned nuclear bunkers.

“We know you want to go to Crossways beer garden” a Met Office spokesperson said, “But the harsh reality is you just won’t make it.”

Meanwhile it has been reported that staff at The Daily Express have been celebrating wildly all day upon realising that one of their “hottest July since records began” headlines actually turned out to be true.

Daily Express staff editor Dan Dante told us “We’re just as confused as you are.

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