Everyone in Midsomer Norton will try and outsmart each other by going to the pub earlier than usual this Easter Sunday to try and avoid the Bank Holiday rush.
Thousands of drinkers will think they’re being clever by frequenting their preferred drinking spots about “half an hour earlier”.
“It’s a sound tactic on paper” claimed Iain Peacock, a sociologist from Radstock, “If it wasn’t for the fact that about 3 thousand people have exactly the same idea as you, and have done for the last 10 years or so.”
“Every year people start drinking earlier and earlier. This year I’d say if you want a period of uninterrupted drinking you’ll probably need to camp outside your favourite pub the night before.”
“It’ll be like when a new iPhone gets released, only instead of getting the latest smartphone, you’ll have a higher chance of getting utterly shitfaced in relative peace and quiet.”
“Get drinking as soon as possible” says Jerome Bustyfield, a Norton regular, “that way, by the time it gets hectic you’ll already be either harassing kebab shop owners, telling people you don’t know that you love them or placing yourself in the foetal position in the middle of busy roads.
Everyone wins.”
“As for me, you’ll find me slumped in a corner somewhere in Crossways at around 5pm having a deep discussion with either one or both of my hands.”
In an effort to tackle overly busy bars, the council are also urging pub owners in Midsomer Norton to introduce VIP bars, exclusively for use by pub regulars only, who know exactly how they want to get pissed and won’t faff about for 20 minutes enquiring about guest ales, lager prices and crisp flavours.