The Greyhound is to be converted into a Japanese Rock Zen Garden where drinkers can “find themselves” between pubs, in the latest council initiative to combat weekend violence.
The news comes as the Greyhound Pub once again announces that it is to close its doors because “everyone is really, really mean”.
The state-of-the-art Rock Garden will feature a Dolby 5:1 surround sound system playing Enya’s greatest hits on repeat, as well as half naked dwarves wandering around telling people that everything will be okay.
“We understand that the walk between pubs can be stressful and tiring” explained a council spokesperson.
“We want the new Greyhound relaxation centre to act as a resting place where punters can recharge their batteries whilst drinking blended wheatgrass and elderflower juice at a very reasonable £13.99 per bottle.”
Jerome Bustyfield is a drunkard from Norton,
“By the time I reach Mallards I’m usually filled with an uncontrollable rage, and I’ve never really understood why.
Now I understand it’s because I haven’t had the chance to stare into a shallow pool filled with rocks whilst asking myself why the fuck I just didn’t go into Bath.”
“I’m getting a statue of Buddha for my living room.”
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