Pubs in Midsomer Norton have set up “piss head only” segments of bar, exclusively for regulars wishing to avoid tedious queues of festive pub-goers who haven’t got a fucking clue how to order alcohol.
While putting up the Christmas tree and festive decorations, pubs are also setting up “express lane” schemes that will separate drunken regulars from people who only go to the pub in December and say things like “oooh, what’s your crispiest cider?“.
That means Dave, who is at the pub four times a week and just wants a pint of ale, will be directed to a different section of the bar than Jacob, who last went to a pub 12 months ago and wants to know how many tannins are in the guest beer only to end up ordering half a Carling and 6 lattes on his debit card where he’ll forget his PIN on the first two attempts.
Wetherspoons Palladium Electric manager Jerome Bustyfield told us “Our new express system will cater for those who want to get twatted and know exactly how they want that to happen. In the meantime, a small amount of bar space will be set aside for those who believe the correct time to start thinking about what they want to order is when they reach the front of the queue.”
Pub goers who don’t know if the bar serves cranberry juice or can only memorise two drinks at a time are advised to avoid the piss head express area. The same applies to groups of friends who pay for their drinks individually.
Pubs will erect signs and put down floor stickers over the festive period directing drinkers to their respective area of the bar, and anyone spotted in the express lane urging barstaff to recite every single flavour of crisp, or asking for a tray after ordering only two drinks, will face an on-the-spot lifetime ban.