Midsomer Norton has once again successfully celebrated the annual rioting festival known as “Black Friday” yesterday. Often dubbed ‘The Purge Friday’, shoppers from all over the Norton-Radstock area emerged from their houses to pummel each other with heavily discounted kettles and iPod docking stations. “We usually go away for Black Friday, but this year we…
Avid light bulb spotters braved the rain last night for the annual lighting solutions fiesta. Dozens of mobile carts on wheels paraded down the High Street last night, showcasing some of the world’s rarest and most renowned light bulbs, in what many are dubbing the planet’s most impressive and diverse array of lighting solutions ever…
Despite the clocks changing twice a year for several decades, everyone is still in a state of inexplicable confusion and shock over the arrival of darkness, it has emerged. When the clocks went back, or possibly forward, on Saturday, or maybe Sunday, everything has just gone really fucking weird, say residents. “When I finished work…
Midsomer Norton’s collective of taxi companies have announced a permanent ban on taxi rides that both begin and end in Midsomer Norton. Local cabbie Iain Peacock said “Walk, you lazy cunt.”
Residents of Midsomer Norton are on alert after being told to brace themselves to expect the most completely typical winter since records began. Local basement-dwelling meteorologist Jerome Bustyfield has warned that the weather will slowly become a little less like summer, because winter is approaching, and that’s what usually happens. “Midsomer Norton will soon be…
Midsomer Norton and Radstock town councils have confirmed that roadworks occur just to annoy you. A council spokesperson confirmed the news after Norton and Radstock strategically places roadworks and temporary traffic lights on nearly every busy road in the area. “Seriously, what do you actually think we’re doing down there?” asked council road worker Jerome…
Now the summer holidays have begun, Midsomer Norton police have warned residents to be on the watch out for gangs of antisocial school teachers hanging around street corners. “Sadly, at around this time every year we have to deal with hordes of disorderly school teachers from Norton Hill and Somervale celebrating the end of term.”…
No resolution has been reached by Midsomer Norton town council officials as to whether thunderstorms are cool or scary, insiders have revealed. Council officials have met for another heated debate today following last night’s dramatic storm, which has reignited the controversial and highly divisive dispute that has shrouded thunderstorms for several decades. An insider claimed…
The local undead community has claimed the Midsomer Norton Fayre Fun Day, held in the town centre, to be the most successful yet. Record breaking crowds of ghosts and a plethora of their fun fayre rides all turned up to the annual event, albeit most human attendees were unable to see any of it. “The…
The weekend forecast of rain has been blamed on the collective wishes of bitter people who couldn’t get tickets for Glastonbury, it has emerged. After 3 weeks of glorious heat and sunshine, the first day of Glastonbury is expected to see torrential rainfall, much to the utter, hysterical delight of everyone not going. “We all…
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