People across Midsomer Norton and Radstock are already developing cunning strategies on how to best avoid Liverpool FC fans this summer. Liverpool are amongst the two favourite teams to win the Premier League. And with only two matches remaining, many are warning that a Liverpool victory will cause an inevitable surge of insufferably self-righteous twats…
An abstract painting, above, by famed graffiti artist Banksy has been found this morning on the walls of one of the Welton Bibby & Baron buildings. The painting, dubbed THE CUNX, has art critics worldwide pondering what profound meaning it is attempting to convey. Jerome Bustyfield, the curator for the Radstock Museum of Urban Art,…
Everyone in Midsomer Norton will try and outsmart each other by going to the pub earlier than usual this Easter Sunday to try and avoid the Bank Holiday rush. Thousands of drinkers will think they’re being clever by frequenting their preferred drinking spots about “half an hour earlier”. “It’s a sound tactic on paper” claimed…
People who either read the Game of Thrones novels or watch episodes when they air in the US can now be legally put to death for giving away plotlines, Midsomer Norton Councillors have confirmed. Councillors have agreed that anyone who knows about future plotlines or twists will be strictly forbidden from taking to Facebook or…
After police close Stones Cross pub for drug offences, authorities have warned local residents of an expected increase of thirsty vampires who will have nowhere to go now. For centuries the Stones Cross Pub has acted as a supernatural drinking portal between the fiery realms of demonic night-creatures and planet Earth. But now residents are…
Experts have warned that the imminent arrival of Mother’s Day will soon trigger the start of the annual plague of lost, confused and panicked males who will soon descend towards the Norton High Street. Experts have claimed that from Friday the town centre is going to be full of disillusioned and flummoxed males who thought…
Men everywhere are calling women out on how long it took them to really take their “impromptu” no make-up selfie. “Me missus posted her makeup-less face on Facebook yesterday with the description that she quickly snapped it after getting out of the shower.” said Iain Peacock, from Radstock. “She conveniently didn’t mention that I had…
Local conservative MP Jacob-Rees-Mogg is actually a delinquent chav masquerading in an expensive yet ill-fitting suit, insiders close to the politician have revealed. “Don’t let his upper class, flimsy appearance deceive you.” an insider has warned “If you tell him you vote Labour he may very well flip out and stab you in the face”…
Midsomer Norton council have announced that they will begin charging punters to watch brawling outside Fat Sams nightclub in the early hours of the morning. After learning just how much pubs get charged to obtain a pub licence for boxing matches like the upcoming Groves/Froch rematch, a council spokesperson has announced they are keen to…
The recent unexpected roadworks that closed roads in Radstock occurred because the council “haven’t really pissed anyone off in a while”, sources have revealed. The news comes after Radstock council announced that the number of complaints from local residents had become “unacceptably low”. “As a local council, it is important for us to ensure that…
