Men are being warned that redeemable sex vouchers created with Microsoft Publisher with vaguely amusing clipart graphics do not constitute an acceptable gift for Valentine’s Day. “My voucher had an image of some lips and a bed on it.” said boyfriend Jerome Bustyfield from Radstock. “And the text was in Edwardian Script font which I…
Shopping centres in the local area are flooded with panicked men pointing at stationary pads and file dividers exclaiming “that’ll do”. Men have taken to social media to wish each other good luck as they fearlessly charge onto the battlefield with only hours to go before the shops finally tell people to fuck off as…
Midsomer Norton residents have been warned that cold days like today will become more frequent, because winter is approaching and that is what normally happens. The warnings come amidst complaints and shocked comments from people apparently unaware that as the year draws to a close, the average temperature generally drops and the amount of daylight…
Officials have today told local residents that the best way to enjoy Midsomer Norton carnival night is to stay at home and watch ‘I’m a Celebrity’ on the telly. The advice released by the council has claimed that staying at home in front of the TV means there is little chance of getting both cold…
As carnival season gets under way, health officials have reminded local residents that getting run over by carnival floats could be bad for your health. Just like every year, officials have reiterated advice that carnival goers should avoid walking or standing right in front of extremely large carnival floats, as well as the large tractors…
This morning’s power cut that affected both Midsomer Norton and Radstock was caused by immigrants from Syria “flooding the UK”, according to local far right group ‘Norton First’. “Before them Syrians starting coming to Europe, we had electricity every Monday morning, and now we don’t.” claimed ‘Norton First’ leader Jerome Bustyfield. “It’s simple cause and…
Midsomer Norton council has issued an urgent press release this afternoon reminding residents that HBO’s Game of Thrones doesn’t depict real life. Frenzied chaos exploded on the High Street yesterday afternoon after a fictional character from a fictional show who no one has actually met in person was written out of a script portraying fiction….
The latest road developments in Radstock town centre were inspired by 1986 classic “The Labyrinth“, it has emerged. Exciting new additions will include pebbled roads that continually evolve in shape and direction, as well as access to Bath New Road only being granted to road users who can answer a series of puzzling riddles correctly….
On Saturday night Glastonbury goers will get to choose between listening to Kanye West rapping about the ‘N’ word, or 2 hours of George Osbourne MP justifying the 2015 budget. “We had to top Kanye somehow. What better way than the Chancellor of the Exchequer himself?” said organiser Emily Eavis. “Festival goers will be literally…
After news of Costa Coffee’s likely arrival to Midsomer Norton, everyone has agreed that a coffee place is just what Midsomer Norton needs. “If there is one thing I though Norton was lacking, it’s a place to get a cup of coffee.” says local resident Jerome Bustyfield, “In fact I literally cannot think of a…
