Summer 2016 has been laid to rest at Midsomer Norton cemetery in a private yet “intimate” funeral ceremony, sources have revealed. The season tragically passed away on May 8th 2016 at the tender age of five days, following a short yet courageous battle with a transatlantic jet stream. Amongst those attending were seasons Autumn and…
Summer has confirmed it’s just fucking with our emotions by tricking us into believing we may see something other than overwhelming bleakness over the next 3 or 4 months. “I try to do it every year” explained the season, “A week or two of sunshine in early May, just to give you all a taste…
The opening of Midsomer Norton’s Wetherspoons has been delayed after a family of ghosts have been found living in the abandoned cinema. The opening date for the Wetherspoons outlet has already been delayed before, but the discovery of four immortal souls – one of whom appears to be overtly sociable – is expected to cause…
12 people have died and 34 are still missing after Midsomer Norton was devastated by an overwhelming two centimetres of snow that fell over a single five hour period earlier. Alarms were raised early yesterday after local dog walker Jerome Bustyfield saw a single snowflake float to the ground at some time after 8am. “I…
Men are being warned that redeemable sex vouchers created with Microsoft Publisher with vaguely amusing clipart graphics do not constitute an acceptable gift for Valentine’s Day. “My voucher had an image of some lips and a bed on it.” said boyfriend Jerome Bustyfield from Radstock. “And the text was in Edwardian Script font which I…
Shopping centres in the local area are flooded with panicked men pointing at stationary pads and file dividers exclaiming “that’ll do”. Men have taken to social media to wish each other good luck as they fearlessly charge onto the battlefield with only hours to go before the shops finally tell people to fuck off as…
Midsomer Norton residents have been warned that cold days like today will become more frequent, because winter is approaching and that is what normally happens. The warnings come amidst complaints and shocked comments from people apparently unaware that as the year draws to a close, the average temperature generally drops and the amount of daylight…
Officials have today told local residents that the best way to enjoy Midsomer Norton carnival night is to stay at home and watch ‘I’m a Celebrity’ on the telly. The advice released by the council has claimed that staying at home in front of the TV means there is little chance of getting both cold…
As carnival season gets under way, health officials have reminded local residents that getting run over by carnival floats could be bad for your health. Just like every year, officials have reiterated advice that carnival goers should avoid walking or standing right in front of extremely large carnival floats, as well as the large tractors…
This morning’s power cut that affected both Midsomer Norton and Radstock was caused by immigrants from Syria “flooding the UK”, according to local far right group ‘Norton First’. “Before them Syrians starting coming to Europe, we had electricity every Monday morning, and now we don’t.” claimed ‘Norton First’ leader Jerome Bustyfield. “It’s simple cause and…
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