Pubs in Midsomer Norton have set up “piss head only” segments of bar, exclusively for regulars wishing to avoid tedious queues of festive pub-goers who haven’t got a fucking clue how to order alcohol. While putting up the Christmas tree and festive decorations, pubs are also setting up “express lane” schemes that will separate drunken…
Norton was in chaos Thursday after snow fell for a staggering 20 minutes. Reports have claimed that an overwhelming 0.2cm of snow fell from the sky, covering almost every surface. Except concrete, asphalt, roofing and most grass. “We knew it was going to get rough” said local resident Iain Peacock, “…but you never expect anything…
A Midsomer Norton man who has no interest in rugby until England get into a semi-final is now trying to look like an expert despite referring to tries as “five pointers”, news has emerged. Jerome Bustyfield has spent the whole week posting on Facebook about how proud he is of “the lily whites” despite not…
Midsomer Norton is taking a break from all that Brexit bollocks to explore yet another bitter and divisive argument; can we put the fucking heating on yet? Passive aggressive social media posts and angry, barely legible arguments in Wetherspoons have moved away from Britain’s imminent departure of the EU and are now centered around the…
Midsomer Norton residents have told the sun it needs to calm the fuck down as they need to work. As most of the UK basks in oven-like heat, local Midsomer Norton resident Gina DeCampo told us… “In Majorca where I have nothing to do other than lie next to the pool, bereft of responsibility, occasionally…
A festival goer has confirmed that attending a festival in your thirties means that you now celebrate things like having a relatively normal stool movement and remembering to bring heartburn medication. Jerome Bustyfield, an electrician from Midsomer Norton, emerged from the toilets this weekend fist pumping the air in pure, unadulterated exhilaration and high-fiving strangers,…
A man is planning on treating his first ever girlfriend to what will almost certainly be a very disappointing Valentine’s meal in the new Palladium Wetherspoons, reports have emerged. Novice Jerome Bustyfield from Welton has been dating his girlfriend for 5 months, and has planned an astonishingly bland slap-up meal in the Palladium followed by…
Residents of Midsomer Norton have been left assuming anything is possible after the England football team actually won a World Cup penalty shootout. “I’m going to drive to Bristol, and at no point am I going to get stuck behind a tractor, a twat pulling a caravan or any other slow moving vehicle” said local…
A couple from Midsomer Norton are about to sit down to watch Love Island, like the pair of mindless, obedient sheep that they are. Love Island – a show that documents the monotonous antics of group of tedious men and women arguing around a swimming pool and that’s literally it – is essentially a gateway…
A local man from Midsomer Norton can’t stop telling people about how he couldn’t give two shits about the Royal Wedding. Jerome Bustyfield, who works on the Westfield Trading Estate, has spent most of this week posting Facebook updates about how utterly uninterested he is towards Harry and Meghan’s upcoming nuptials. “I posted an image…
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