Midsomer Norton residents have told the sun it needs to calm the fuck down as they need to work. As most of the UK basks in oven-like heat, local Midsomer Norton resident Gina DeCampo told us… “In Majorca where I have nothing to do other than lie next to the pool, bereft of responsibility, occasionally…
A festival goer has confirmed that attending a festival in your thirties means that you now celebrate things like having a relatively normal stool movement and remembering to bring heartburn medication. Jerome Bustyfield, an electrician from Midsomer Norton, emerged from the toilets this weekend fist pumping the air in pure, unadulterated exhilaration and high-fiving strangers,…
A man is planning on treating his first ever girlfriend to what will almost certainly be a very disappointing Valentine’s meal in the new Palladium Wetherspoons, reports have emerged. Novice Jerome Bustyfield from Welton has been dating his girlfriend for 5 months, and has planned an astonishingly bland slap-up meal in the Palladium followed by…
Residents of Midsomer Norton have been left assuming anything is possible after the England football team actually won a World Cup penalty shootout. “I’m going to drive to Bristol, and at no point am I going to get stuck behind a tractor, a twat pulling a caravan or any other slow moving vehicle” said local…
A couple from Midsomer Norton are about to sit down to watch Love Island, like the pair of mindless, obedient sheep that they are. Love Island – a show that documents the monotonous antics of group of tedious men and women arguing around a swimming pool and that’s literally it – is essentially a gateway…
A local man from Midsomer Norton can’t stop telling people about how he couldn’t give two shits about the Royal Wedding. Jerome Bustyfield, who works on the Westfield Trading Estate, has spent most of this week posting Facebook updates about how utterly uninterested he is towards Harry and Meghan’s upcoming nuptials. “I posted an image…
The Easter Bunny has announced Easter has been cancelled in Midsomer Norton and across the South West, citing “logistical difficulties due to extreme weather conditions”. The announcement comes amidst yet another snow flurry to hit Midsomer Norton within two weeks. “Honestly, it’s been a fucking nightmare.” said the Easter Bunny. “Key suppliers have been delayed….
When the white stuff begins to fall, you know who you’re friends truly are. And they’re probably one of these 8. 1. The Child As soon as the first snowflake settles on the ground, the child instantly regresses to an infant-like state, full of wonder and unadulterated excitement. Despite being a 28-year old financial ledger…
Yesterday’s devastating earthquake that affected areas including Midsomer Norton, Bristol and Bath is going to be turned into an epic adventure disaster movie, sources have revealed. While details are being kept tight-lipped, rumours suggest the plot will focus on the heroics of local Midsomer Norton resident Jerome Bustyfield during the earthquake’s aftermath, which was spent…
Prince Harry’s stag will take him down the usual Crossways, Mallards and possibly Fat Sams route, Buckingham Palace has confirmed this morning. While many suspected the prince may have opted to go upmarket and head to Bath, sources at the palace have finally confirmed he’ll probably just wind up on the High Street before making…
